You're not unstable. You're someone whose nervous system learned that love and pain arrive together.
What this means
You may swing between desperately wanting them back and never wanting to see them again.
Between reaching out and pulling away.
Between feeling everything and feeling nothing.
This isn't drama. This isn't you being difficult or unstable. This is what disorganised attachment looks like after loss. Your nervous system learned early that the people who were supposed to feel safe sometimes didn't. So it developed two simultaneous responses to closeness: reach for it, and brace against it. Both at once.
That push and pull is exhausting. And it makes heartbreak significantly harder to move through alone.
How this is affecting your recovery
• Emotional highs and lows that can feel extreme
• Impulsive contact followed by regret
• Shame about your own reactions
• Feeling internally conflicted about what you actually want
• Moments of clarity followed quickly by confusion
Why healing feels chaotic
Most heartbreak advice assumes you know what you want. Move on. Or fight for it. Cut contact. Or get closure.
But when your system is running two contradictory responses at once, none of that advice lands cleanly. You can't just decide to feel one way. The chaos isn't a choice. It's a pattern. And patterns need to be understood before they can change.
Your strengths
• Deep emotional capacity
• Passionate and intense in the best sense
• Genuinely insightful about yourself and others
• Capable of profound growth when given the right support
What happens next?
Over the next few days I'll be sending you practical strategies, insights and tools tailored specifically to your attachment pattern. These emails contain some of my most valuable work. Keep an eye out for them.
These emails contain some of my most valuable work. Keep an eye out for them (and don't forget to check your junk).
Want to move faster?
You want connection and you fear it at the same time. That push and pull isn't confusion. It's exactly what disorganised attachment feels like after loss, and it's one of the hardest patterns to move through alone.
Not because you're broken. Because your nervous system is doing two contradictory things at once and nobody has ever shown you how to work with that.
That's what my free Personal Deep Dive is for. Three private one-on-one sessions where we map exactly what's keeping you stuck and build a clear path forward, tailored to you.
I take a small number of these each month alongside my existing client work. Because these spots are free they are genuinely limited.
Click here - and let's figure out exactly what's keeping you stuck